YOGIN DEVAN
IT IS said that the odds are so small that there’s an almost zero-percent chance of a married couple reaching their 70th wedding anniversary.
According to global statistics, only one-tenth of 1% of all marriages last for the couple to see the day they celebrate their platinum anniversary.
It was thus with great excitement in anticipation of a most special occasion that I accepted the invitation to mark my long-time friend and former Isipingo Town Clerk Ramalingam “Harry” Reddy, 93, and his life partner Gopalamma, popularly as Panja, 85, celebrating seven decades as man and wife.
One hundred guests comprising relatives and friends gathered at an Umhlanga beachfront hotel last week to honour the Reddys for keeping their promise of “I do” that they took on December 5, 1954, when the Internet, email, cell phone, personal computers and microwave ovens did not exist and the transistor radio had just been invented.
For some time the young Reddy had had his eyes on the shy Panja, who lived in his neighbourhood in Isipingo. Their parents were happy with the match. When he tied the knot, she was 15 years old, which was the marriageable age for daughters at that time. Reddy, then 23, was working as a waiter at a Durban city centre hotel.
By enrolling for part-time secretarial, office administration and bookkeeping courses, Reddy realised it was time to quit the hotel industry and he joined the Borough of Amanzimtoti in a clerical position and steadily worked his way up.
In between, the couple had a son Gunalan and daughter Karthikai Narotam, known as Kay. Years later when, under the notorious Group Areas Act Isipingo was excised from the white Amanzimtoti and became an Indian town, Reddy joined the Borough of Isipingo. Through dint of hard work, honesty, diligence and meticulousness, he rose through the ranks to become Isipingo Town Clerk, a position he held for several years until his retirement.
Speakers who paid tribute to the Reddys all spoke of the mutual love and respect that acted as the glue that that held the marriage and which only grew deeper with each passing year.
Kay spoke of how her parents stood together through good times and bad times, through happy times and sad times, “and always came out with flying colours”.
She related how they were shattered when her brother, a computer boffin who was settled in America, died of cancer at the age of 58.
“My parents are soul mates and still spend all their time together. They derive great joy helping others. There was a time when my father would borrow money to help those in need,” she said.
Son-in-law Anil Narotam spoke of the “unconditional love and affection” the couple shared, touching the lives of so many people in “small, simple ways”.
For grandchildren it is a gift of a lifetime when they are able acquire life’s lessons and skills from grandparents.
Granddaughter Varuschka Narotam said her grandma taught her to cook the tastiest chicken curry and her grandpa had a different pet name for her each morning when he called her in Cape Town from Durban.
“Since I am a pharmacist, my grandpa sends me his blood pressure reading and grandma’s sugar level every morning to evaluate,” she said.
Grandson Nikhil Narotam said: “When I turned 16, I asked Poppy to teach me to drive. He refused. But when I told him that when he gets old, I will put him in old age home, he quickly relented and taught me to drive. I have the best grandpa in the whole world.”
The celebration was decorated with greenery - Panja Reddy loves gardening - and a display of photos over the years, starting from before they wed until more recently.
Harry Reddy loves Carnatic music and was a talented singer. Some years ago he would treat me to a near perfect rendition of Sri Chakra Raja Simhasaneshwari and Sri Mahaganapathi, his voice closely resembling that of maestro Maharajapuram Santhanam.
At the party Santhieran Marimuthu serenaded guests with expressive saxophone music while his daughter Yeshantha rendered light cover versions and his son Sankaran played percussion.
What has kept the engine of the Reddy’s marriage faithfully ticking so long? Reddy said the key to making a marriage last many decades is a little give and a little take. He helps his wife in the kitchen. She is happy to join him in watching all his favourite sports programmes.
This recipe of reciprocity has worked for me.
My wife is happy to trim the overgrown grey forest on the nape of my neck in between my monthly visits to my master hairdresser Kiran. She deftly removes the curry leaves, cloves, cardamom, cinnamon sticks and “other gadgets” before serving me breyani. In turn I pin the mundhaanai or pallu (fall) and set the pleats of her sari. I buy her favourite chewing gum, knowing full well how much her dental work costs me.
The concept of give and take, sacrifice and compromise to make the other happy, is fundamental to a healthy and balanced marriage. It involves both partners making compromises and sacrifices to support each other and maintain harmony in the relationship. Kind gestures and affection are returned, favours are exchanged, and each person generally feels like the other contributes to keeping their metaphorical cup full.
Balanced reciprocity in a romantic relationship is about both partners taking what they need: holding clear boundaries, communicating their needs, and protecting their sense of personal space. It also requires each person to intentionally give to the other.
Open and honest communication is crucial for a long and healthy marriage. I do not show it, and cringe inwardly, when my wife relates the same story for the umpteenth time. I even ask her questions relating to the episode, never mind that I already know the answers.
Compromise is also important to find a middle ground where both partners can be happy. Even when I disagree, I offer a loud “correct” for the sake of her happiness. I lose nothing in the process.
Like my friend Harry Reddy, I have made my wife my best friend. We often second guess each other. I know she is yearning for spicy chicken wings from Spur even when she says she isn’t. Most often she can choose a shirt for me in the morning that I had already decided to wear and had not even discussed with her.
Marriage is a continuous work in progress. You must work hard to make it last happily. Like anything else in life, you have to do the work to reap the reward.